April Fo- oh, it’s real. An island, somewhere within 100 miles of Portsmouth, is up for sale, and IllicitEncounters.com (a dating website for married people) are in “advanced negotiations” to purchase it.
Their plan? To create a getaway for adulterers to spend some quality time together, one complete with accommodation, boardrooms to video call home to your partner, and hell, they’re even transporting you by helicopter.
Clever, or utter madness? We’ll have to wait to find out, as “Illicit Retreat” opens sometime next year. You can sign up to their mailing list here, if you’re into that sort of thing.
“Two messages from two chats” says WhatsApp. Your eyes ignore Holly’s post in GIRLSHOLIDAY2016 (*sun emoticon x3*) and glance instead at Dave’s message:
“Do you want to come over and watch a film?” he asks. How cute. How innocent.
You’re not much of a movie goer, but then again neither as he. And then it clicks.
I’m not sure at what point in our evolution sex took on the disguise of a crappy movie on a Saturday night, but apparently it’s happened, and in a big way.
This is an ode to the films ruined by the notorious “Netflix and Chill,” the films that never made it to the end credits, nay, beyond the second act. To those films, we salute you.
Orange Is the New Black
While not strictly a film, OITNB ticks all the boxes. Let’s face it, there’s only so long you or your partner can watch steamy interactions between lesbians without edging closer towards the “chill” portion of the evening.
The Men Who Stare At Goats
Clooney. Spacey. Bridges. McGregor. Goats. It’s seriously impressive that a film with such a star-studded cast (and goats) could be so bad. And that’s sort of the point here. A movie so dull will only leave its viewers desperate to do anything else but continue to watch it to its conclusion. You’re welcome.
Wolf of Wall Street
It’s three hours of sex and drugs and…more sex, with all the beautiful people you could possibly ever want. And at three hours long, it won’t be long before you’ll suggest doing, er, something else.
…Bear with me. While it certainly lacks a feel-good factor, or any semblance of romance, Scream, or most good horror films in fact, are good for one thing: making the fearful one in the relationship leap into the arms of the other. The rest takes care of itself.
I smell it too. It’s the ‘I-drank-too-much-lost-my-wallet-slept-with-my-colleague-and-now-I-can’t-get-home’ sort of smell. Negotiating the work Christmas party can be tricky. A few drinks in and the timid intern is grinding with the guy from HR who you were convinced was gay. Maybe he still is. Maybe he’s just experimenting. Who knows? Who cares? Nobody!
Aside from the dodgy karaoke, the inappropriate conversations and the copious amounts of regurgitated chicken doner and stomach lining, the work Christmas party is a shameless breeding ground of regret.
Everyone does it, so what the hell, right? The Christmas party seems to forgive all. If someone has decided to strip half-naked and brutally murder ABBA’s Dancing Queen then you will match them blow for blow so help you God. Slept with a co-worker? F*ck it, it’s the Christmas party! Threw up violently outside a Wetherspoons? Don’t worry, it’s what Jesus would want. You’ll brazen it out, I’m sure, and come the following morning, everyone will gossip about your exploits have completely forgotten.
You might work at a startup, or a big corporation, or maybe even a school – the Christmas parties all follow a similar blueprint. Another analogue is your career, and that matters. ‘Sally the office sex pest’ isn’t a nickname that’s going to propel you up the corporate ladder.
So, here are a handful of do’s and don’ts (mainly don’ts) to prepare you for this year’s work-related festivities.
Don’t get too drunk: I love a beer – I love two beers – but I know my limits. Come beer #4, I’ll be Sally the office sex pest, gyrating helplessly on one of the directors as a dubstep remix of Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty pounds mercilessly in the background. Don’t be Sally.
Don’t act too weird: Picture the scenario. You’re lent over the water cooler with Dave. He looks you in the eye. You know. He knows. You know that he knows. Knows what exactly? An embarrassing secret that you don’t remember blurting out; a confession you made to a colleague…something uncalled for, that’s for sure. Alcohol can only excuse so much, so be sure to leave a good lasting impression, especially if you’re new.
Don’t insult your boss: Actually, scrap that – maybe don’t talk to him at all. A lighthearted jab in his/her direction is risky, asking for a pay rise or promotion is even riskier, and a full-blown monologue about how you really feel about them is suicide – you’re here for a bit of fun, you don’t want to be receiving your P45 the following morning.
Do stay professional: Like I said, a bit of fun. Celebrate the year’s successes, have a few good laughs, but don’t lose all semblance of professionalism. You might be in a different environment, but the people you’re spending time with haven’t changed.
Welcome to Top Ten Thursdays! Welcome to the first ever, in fact. From now on, every Thursday, we’ll be posting a brand new list with, you guessed it, our top ten favourite things on any given topic. So, what better way to start than with the top ten sexiest songs of all time?
10. Fade Into You – Mazzy Star
“Who? What?” I know. But if you aren’t aware of Fade Into You by its title, your ears have almost certainly befallen its slow-paced rhythm at some point or another. Thanks to its melodic components, and frontwoman Hope Sandoval’s gorgeous tone, Fade Into You is filtered throughout popular culture, appearing in several hit TV shows and films like CSI: Miami and Desperate Housewives – you won’t find us complaining.
9.Honky Tonk Women – The Rolling Stones
‘I can’t get no satisfaction’ sings Mick Jagger, but we find that hard to believe. Sure, withered and decrepit he may be, but rewind to 1969, and Jagger represented youth and virility, with his poster adorning the walls of every teenage girl.
The Stones’ Honky Tonk Women was greeted by an army of screaming girls (but then again, what song of theirs wasn’t?) and it’s clear to see why. The deep scratching of Keith Richards’ guitar, coupled with Jagger’s irresistible charisma, cements Honky Tonk Women as one of the sexiest songs of all time.
8. Make It Wit Chu’ – Queens of the Stone Age
American rockers Queens of the Stone Age are well-known for their hard guitar riffs and relentless noise, but for steamy, erotic tracks? Not so much. Enter I Wanna Make It Wit Chu’. Released on the band’s 5th studio album, Era Vulgaris, Make It Wit Chu’ sees the perfect marriage of a seductive lead guitar and the dulcet tones of frontman Joshua Homme.
7.Ball and Biscuit – The White Stripes
Let’s face it, the blues isn’t really relevant anymore. Relegated underneath pop, R’n’B and hip-hop, the once popular genre is seldom heard on today’s airwaves… but Ball and Biscuit questions if that’s necessarily a good thing. You won’t struggle to find the innuendo that’s littered throughout The White Stripes’ longest song on record, but it’s the culmination of Jack White’s vocals, the erratic guitar solos and the bluesy backdrop that makes Ball and Biscuit a sex-fuelled romp.
6. Sexy Back – Justin Timberlake
I mean, this one’s fairly self-explanatory, no? We’re not sure sexy was ever really missing, but, just in case, Justin Timberlake made sure to bring it back in one piece. Thanks Justin.
5. I Want Your Sex – George Michael
An 80’s icon, a drug user, a philanthropist – George Michael is many things, but what he isn’t is subtle. You don’t need a Master’s Degree to decipher the message in his 1987 hit, I Want Your Sex – and when George Michael says he wants your sex, it’s pretty hard to say no.
4. Closer – Nine Inch Nails
This one’s a little, er, graphic. If George Michael lacked subtlety, then Nine Inch Nails entirely redefine the meaning of the word. We’ve not had the pleasure of meeting Nine Inch Nails’ frontman Trent Reznor, and following his explicit cries of wanting to violate and desecrate us, we’re sad that that’s the case.
To say that Closer is full-on would be an understatement – there’s definitely a space for it on our list, and in the bedroom, too.
3.Physical – Olivia Newton John
Everyone’s favourite high school sweetheart turned nasty with her 1981 release Physical… and everybody loved it, with the track going on to become the biggest selling single of the decade. Adored for her acting prowess and natural beauty, Newton-John changed tact entirely, with lyrics such as “there’s nothing left to talk about unless it’s horizontally.” We like it.
2. Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye
I know – surprise, surprise, right? But Sexual Healing is the musical embodiment of a timeless classic. Little did Marvin Gaye know, but his 1982 hit was to lay down the blueprint for almost every slow jam song that followed; listen to the song, and the evidence is undeniable: Sexual Healing practically oozes lust and passion.
1. I’m A Slave 4 U – Britney Spears
Desperate to get rid of her ‘girl next door’ image, Britney released I’m A Slave 4 U and, well, she more than succeeded. Her undeniably sexy vocals alone were enough to propel Slave 4 U up the charts, but it was the music video that sealed the its place in the annuls of steamy music videos. Barely clothed and dripping in sweat, Ms Spears oversaw the release of a video that still remains her sexiest and most controversial.
There you have it. Notice any glaring omissions? Have any suggestions for a future topic for Top Ten Thursday? Let us know in the comments!
With the impending elections, IllicitEncounters.com has asked its members to take part in a slightly different kind of poll. Instead of snog marry and avoid, 500 members were asked which politicians they would most like to cheat with, divorce their spouse for or avoid.
The results reveal that most women would like to cheat with Boris Johnson with over half of the vote (52%) and men would like to be unfaithful with Esther McVey (47%).
In the ‘divorce spouse for’ category Nick Clegg came top for women with 38% and Gloria De Piero for men with 35%.
The politician that has us running for the hills in the ‘avoid’ category is Nigel Farage with a staggering 64% of the vote and Nicola Sturgeon (58%).
Runners up in the ‘most likely to cheat with’ included Jeremy Hunt, Grant Shapps, Penny Mordaunt, Caroline Flint and Elizabeth Truss suggesting that Conservative politicians appeal to a more illicit audience.
David Cameron received 11% of the votes in the marry category whilst Ed Miliband didn’t fare so well receiving 6% of the votes in the avoid category.
The poll was carried out by IllicitEncounters.com the UK’s leading married dating website with almost 1 million UK members.
Spokesperson for IllicitEncounters.com Claire Page said “Affairs and politics seem to go hand in hand, from John Major, Bill Clinton to Francois Holland, politicians are stereotypically bad at being faithful.”
“With the results released, the most hilarious finding has got to be Boris Johnson winning the title of person we would most like to cheat with! In a bizarre way, he emulates his hero Winston Churchill. He’s a sensationalist – between his comments on Islamic fundamentalists and suicide bombers, to his very fitting (or not so!) jokes about pro-having and pro-eating policies on cake, he’s certainly gifted at grabbing headlines. You have to admit, he’s got charm, so, in a way, it’s not difficult to see why women like him”
Full details of the winners are listed below:
Have an affair with Boris Johnson
Marital Status: Married.
Once quoted saying ‘I’ve slept with far fewer than 1000’
“Step in line ladies and form an orderly queue. Since Bojo first came into the public eye we have been fascinated by him, he is brazen and has charisma. There is no denying he has become a symbol for all things London – and with the highest percentage of members from here, it is no surprise we have formed a strong attachment to the politician. He would make an ideal candidate for an affair, picture this –an illicit afternoon cycling along the Thames – although it would be a bit hard to disguise that floppy blonde hair of his!”
Marital Status: Single
Once quoted saying ‘Marriage never came my way, I don’t know why.’
“Former GMTV presenter, also known as Fester Mcvile. She is opinionated and feisty – this slightly intimidating blonde bombshell is exactly the kind of woman a man would fantasize sleeping with outside of their marriage. Reminiscent of a comic book supervillainess, and who wouldn’t want to sleep with Posion Ivy, just once, to see what it’s like?”
Would have a Divorce for Nick Clegg
Marital Status: Married
Once quoted saying ‘My head spins. One moment I’m told I’m too edgy, then people say I’m too angry, then that I show too much passion … make your minds up,”
“Nick Clegg, a jack of all trades. He is an award winning journalist for the financial times, if you do the math – on that basis alone he would make an excellent prospective partner – the figures point towards financial security. Not only that, he is multilingual in five different European languages – which will make the holidays interesting!”
Gloria De Piero
Marital Status: Married
Once quoted saying ‘I hate to sound like a politician, but we must not allow ladders of opportunity to be taken beyond the reach of ordinary people,’
“Another former GMTV presenter, Gloria De Piero of Italian descent is the stunning girl next door. Someone you would be pleased to introduce to your family – she comes from a humble background and has become a rising star in the political world. Having launched a ‘Why do you hate me campaign’ to establish a better connection with the general public, she aims to challenge negative views of politicians. Beautiful and intriguing – it is no surprise men would leave their wives for her!”
Bubbling under in the ‘Divorce my spouse for’ were Tristram Hunt (27%), David Cameron (11%) and Luciana Berger (28%).
Avoid Nigel Farage
Marital Status: Married
Once quoted saying ‘I think that politics needs a bit of spicing up.’
“Not the greatest reputation, often coming under fire for his controversial speeches. It seems the general consensus is to avoid this politician, with his extreme views on immigration and wanting to bring back smoking in pubs and clubs – he isn’t exactly popular. Al Murray would have probably fended better with his spoof of Nigel’s UKIP party act, The Pub Landlord.”
Marital Status: Married
Once quoted saying ‘Where Mrs Thatcher divided society, I want to do the opposite’
“Let’s face it, with a huge 58% of the vote it is clear that Nicola Sturgeon simply doesn’t have those qualities we look for in a romance. The fact she’s in a committed 12 year relationship also puts her in that no-go zone.”
Other people in the avoid category included Eric Pickles (17%), Ed Miliband (6%) and Leanne Wood (21%).
Making someone laugh, being physically attractive and intellectually stimulating are all things we associate with turning someone on but new research by IllicitEncounters.com, the UK and Ireland’s largest married dating site, shows that food can be more arousing than any of these. On a first date, good food is almost twice as important as the date’s sense of humour.
500 members on Illicit Encounters were asked ‘what’s the most important thing on a first date?’ The top five answers were as follows:
1)My food is good (32%)
2)My date has a good sense of humour (20%)
3)I look attractive (18%)
4)My date looks attractive (12%)
5)The conversation is intellectually stimulating (10%)
Dietician Nadine Walters said food is so important because it stimulates more of the senses (taste, smell, sight and hearing) than conversation (hearing) or physical presentation (sight and maybe touch). This is a list of her top ten aphrodisiacs and why they turn you on:
1) Chocolate – “Large quantities of chocolate can lead to a rapid rise in blood sugar and a consequent drop below normal levels resulting in fatigue,” Walters said “But cocoa contains phenyl ethylamine, a stimulant that conjures feel-good emotions that makes you feel like getting close to someone and think sex is a fabulous idea.”
2) Red wine – “We all know that alcohol helps you relax and unwind, but red vino contains resveratrol, a powerful antioxidant which helps blood flow and improves circulation before sex which makes you more sensitive.”
3) Asparagus and avocados – “These super-healthy vegetables contain Vitamin E which helps your body produce hormones like oestrogen, testosterone and progesterone, all which circulate in your bloodstream and stimulate sexual responders like the clitoris and the vagina.”
4) Chilies – “Not only do they boost energy, improve memory and even fight fat, they also contain capsaicin, a chemical which boosts circulation to get blood pumping and stimulates nerve endings, which means you’ll feel turned on. Result!”
5) Oysters – “Perhaps the notion of gooey wobbly shellfish being an aphrodisiac is a bit hard to imagine but they’re brimming with zinc, a mineral which increases the production of testosterone, which increases your sex drive.”
6) Bananas – “They give you potassium, a key nutrient to strength, which means when you orgasm, the contractions are very intense.”
7) Pomegranates – “Full of antioxidants, they protect the lining of blood vessels, and improve circulation, which means increased genital sensitivity.”
8) Walnuts – “They’re full of omega-3 fatty acids, which keep sex-hormone production high. Salmon, pumpkin seeds, flax seeds, sardines and beef also contain omega-3 fatty acids.”
9) Vanilla – “This sweet bean stimulates nerves and makes sexual sensation feel even better.”
10) Watermelon – “This juicy fruit contains phytonutrient citrulline – this leads to an increase in nitric oxide in your body, which causes blood vessels to relax and speed up circulation. What does all this mean? You’ll get more aroused faster.”
Green Saturday is coming – the day of the year that you’re most likely to get lucky – and its three days before Saint Patrick’s Day, on the 14th March.
IllicitEncounters.com, the UK and Ireland’s top married dating site, surveyed 500 people and asked them what day of the year they would most likely sleep with someone. The majority of people (68% – 342) said they would sleep with someone the weekend before Paddy’s Day, beating New Year’s Eve, Stephen’s Day and Valentine’s Day.
“It doesn’t surprise me that the top day people will have sex this year is the weekend before Paddy’s Day,” Claire Page, spokesperson for IllicitEncounters.com said, “Paddy’s Day is the biggest drinking day of the year, and people are sexually liberated when they’re drunk, so of course Green Saturday will see a lot of people getting lucky! People are usually better at sex after a drink or two. It makes them less tense, reduces their inhibitions and because alcohol is a social lubricant, people are less awkward after a glass or two. Alcohol in moderation actually makes you more attractive too: it increases blood flow and gives you a nice rosy glow. It also increases your confidence!”
Alcohol abuse costs the state a billion euro a year but Doctor Aoife Murphy explained that alcohol contributes to more people being promiscuous and enjoying the health benefits associated with sex – “People have more sex when they’ve consumed alcohol, particularly with people they’re not in a relationship with. Regular sex has many health benefits – firstly, it improves women’s bladder control. A strong pelvic floor is highly important for avoiding inconsistence, something that affects one in three women at some point in their lives. Sex is like a work out for your pelvic floor. When you have an orgasm, it contracts these muscles, which strengthens them. Sex also lowers systolic blood pressure and it’s a great form of exercise, which is great for weight loss and is good for your heart – as well as raising your heart rate, sex keeps oestrogen and testosterone levels balanced. Sex is also a natural pain reliever, often more powerful than Paracetamol. Vaginal stimulation can block chronic leg and back pain, and I’ve seen many cases where women claim genital stimulation (including self-stimulation) can help migraines, headaches, arthritis and menstrual cramps. It also boots immunity – those who have regular sex have higher levels of immunoglobulin A, an antibody that helps ward off common cold and flu symptoms.”