‘Tis the season, but not the jolly one. Rather, a footballing one – though that seems to be the case all year round.
And therein lies the problem. With the European Championships in full swing, it means more men stuck to sofas, drinking in pubs, and generally spending more time away from home.
According to the people at IllicitEncounters.com, it’s the straw that is seemingly breaking the back of many a camel, with more and more women flocking to the married dating website as a result of yet more football.
Women are the main screamers. That’s what this very scientific research by IllicitEncounters.com, a UK dating website for married people, claims.
Of a poll of 1,000 people, 88% of women admitted that they were louder than their partners during love-making, while 64% of men polled also confirmed that their female lovers drowned them out when they were getting intimate.
Perhaps more importantly, however, most people like a bit of noise in the bedroom. Specifically, 71% of men and 62% of women.
It’s always a sign that you’re doing well, I guess.
Interestingly, married men and women who are unfaithful are quieter when making love to their spouse than they are with their lover.
Six out of ten women (62%) and 72% of men said they did make more noise in bed when they were cheating.
“My friend is in her marriage having the time of her life, and I’m just angrily elucidating my thoughts on an internet blog.”
At least that’s how I’m made to feel by the almost overwhelming combination of Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram… the list seems infinite.
But does it really even matter? Well, sort of.
I think that there’s a little bit of the ‘keeping up with the Jones’ syndrome in all of us, and that’s ok. It’s easy to take solace from someone else’s failure; it means you’re not alone; it justifies your misdemeanors, your missteps, your failure to achieve whatever it is that you set out to achieve when you were young(er).
Cowardly? Maybe. Comforting? Most certainly.
But it’s getting harder and harder, year on year. Expectations of relationships have changed in the last, say, 10 years or so.
Accessing the aforementioned social media channels floods me with images. Look at the happy people; they’re always smiling, always socialising, getting married, raising children – it takes a level of mental fortitude that’s beyond most of us to be able to avoid making comparisons and avoid being overcome by feelings of inadequacy.
We’re all stuck in a massive, bottomless echo chamber, where we’re told what happiness looks like. The result? We feel that our own marriage isn’t where it should be, so, naturally, we’re inclined to act upon that.
It takes the better part of, I don’t know, 5 minutes (?) to set up a profile on a dating site, and away you go. And given the aforementioned, y’know, ‘my life’s terrible while all my friends are thriving’ thing, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t given it any thought…
Have you ever wanted to know how many adulterers are in your town? Well, now you can (there’s literally an answer for everything it seems).
According to the annual Infidelity Index, the town of High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, is the most adulterous in the UK, with over 2% of its population having affairs.
Or, depending on where you stand, the plaudits should go to the town of Brentwood in Essex, who are officially the “cleanest” town in the UK.
Are we all just innately promiscuous? Maybe, but the married-dating site who commissioned the index have another theory, namely that the economic downturn has left a lot of couples reluctant or financially unable to divorce.
“Two messages from two chats” says WhatsApp. Your eyes ignore Holly’s post in GIRLSHOLIDAY2016 (*sun emoticon x3*) and glance instead at Dave’s message:
“Do you want to come over and watch a film?” he asks. How cute. How innocent.
You’re not much of a movie goer, but then again neither as he. And then it clicks.
I’m not sure at what point in our evolution sex took on the disguise of a crappy movie on a Saturday night, but apparently it’s happened, and in a big way.
This is an ode to the films ruined by the notorious “Netflix and Chill,” the films that never made it to the end credits, nay, beyond the second act. To those films, we salute you.
Orange Is the New Black
While not strictly a film, OITNB ticks all the boxes. Let’s face it, there’s only so long you or your partner can watch steamy interactions between lesbians without edging closer towards the “chill” portion of the evening.
The Men Who Stare At Goats
Clooney. Spacey. Bridges. McGregor. Goats. It’s seriously impressive that a film with such a star-studded cast (and goats) could be so bad. And that’s sort of the point here. A movie so dull will only leave its viewers desperate to do anything else but continue to watch it to its conclusion. You’re welcome.
Wolf of Wall Street
It’s three hours of sex and drugs and…more sex, with all the beautiful people you could possibly ever want. And at three hours long, it won’t be long before you’ll suggest doing, er, something else.
…Bear with me. While it certainly lacks a feel-good factor, or any semblance of romance, Scream, or most good horror films in fact, are good for one thing: making the fearful one in the relationship leap into the arms of the other. The rest takes care of itself.