“Two messages from two chats” says WhatsApp. Your eyes ignore Holly’s post in GIRLSHOLIDAY2016 (*sun emoticon x3*) and glance instead at Dave’s message:
“Do you want to come over and watch a film?” he asks. How cute. How innocent.
You’re not much of a movie goer, but then again neither as he. And then it clicks.
I’m not sure at what point in our evolution sex took on the disguise of a crappy movie on a Saturday night, but apparently it’s happened, and in a big way.
This is an ode to the films ruined by the notorious “Netflix and Chill,” the films that never made it to the end credits, nay, beyond the second act. To those films, we salute you.
Orange Is the New Black
While not strictly a film, OITNB ticks all the boxes. Let’s face it, there’s only so long you or your partner can watch steamy interactions between lesbians without edging closer towards the “chill” portion of the evening.
The Men Who Stare At Goats
Clooney. Spacey. Bridges. McGregor. Goats. It’s seriously impressive that a film with such a star-studded cast (and goats) could be so bad. And that’s sort of the point here. A movie so dull will only leave its viewers desperate to do anything else but continue to watch it to its conclusion. You’re welcome.
Wolf of Wall Street
It’s three hours of sex and drugs and…more sex, with all the beautiful people you could possibly ever want. And at three hours long, it won’t be long before you’ll suggest doing, er, something else.
…Bear with me. While it certainly lacks a feel-good factor, or any semblance of romance, Scream, or most good horror films in fact, are good for one thing: making the fearful one in the relationship leap into the arms of the other. The rest takes care of itself.
We’ve all had this conversation – it isn’t just me right? …RIGHT?! Nevertheless, couples argue over needlessly stupid things, and here are seven of the most common.
“Money, so they say, is the root of all evil today,” sing Pink Floyd, and they’re not half wrong. Find yourself earning twice as much as your partner? Do you split it evenly? Who pays for what? Good luck with that one.
6. Annoying Sleeping Habits
“You take one half, I’ll take the other.”
5. The Mother-In-Law
What’s the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture? The vulture waits ’til you’re dead before it eats your heart out. AMIRITE?! No but really, mums-in-law are terrible. Or at least they can be. It’s no secret that a particularly nasty mother-in-law can be a huge spanner in an otherwise perfectly well-oiled machine. Ignore, forgive and rise above. Terrible jokes help too.
Vent, damn you, vent. It’s good, it’s healthy but, unfortunately, it’s not always aimed at the right person. A tough day at work, financial issues and sex problems, to name but a few, often end in a heated exchange with your significant other.
3. Toilet Seat
An argument that has torn couples apart since time immemorial. Fellas, save yourselves the hassle and just leave the thing down.
2. Secrets and Lies
Ever cheated? Come clean.
Ever lied about something major? Come clean.
This is a biggie. Honesty is almost always the best policy, and you’d be best served to talk about your problems openly than wait till your partner finds out on their own accord.
Israel and Palestine. Biggie and 2Pac. Tom and Jerry. The conflict with your partner dwarfs them all. How clean do you keep your house? The interior design? Where are you going on holiday? And how about your day-to-day activities? Yes, control is, more often than not, the biggest source of arguments in a relationship. You realise that, when push comes to shove, there’s not a lot that you’re prepared to sacrifice for ‘bae’ (whatever that shit is).
Ok, ok, we’re slightly cheating with the numbers, but what is lacking in quantity is more than made up for in quality. Here are our top ten seven sex icons.
7. Matt Lanter
Are words needed? I don’t think words are needed.
6. Tom Hiddleston
Glamour magazine’s 3rd sexiest man of 2015 – you won’t find us arguing. That accent, that jawline, the man can even dance. As one YouTube comment put it, “I’m going to fuck this man in his face I swear to God I love him.” Beautifully said.
5. Daniel Craig
Bond films have had men with metallic teeth, rocket-equipped vehicles, and lasers, yet they’re most unrealistic portrayal of real life is with their women. Why any Bond girl has ever attempted to assassinate this is beyond us.
4. Ryan Gosling
3. Tom Hardy
Obsession, noun: “the state of being obsessed with someone or something.” With the body of a Greek god, some killer acting chops, and a love of cute dogs, we’re not sure that Tom Hardy isn’t completely perfect.
2. Chris and Liam Hemsworth
There’s something in the water at the Hemsworth househould. I mean, talk about a perfect gene pool. Chris? Liam? It’s Sophie’s choice. Quite honestly, we’d be delighted with either.
1. David Beckham
Men want to be him, and women want to be with him. Goldenballs captured the hearts and minds of every woman when he came onto the footballing scene as a young man. Like a fine wine, he’s matured into the sex icon: a footballer, a model, a businessman, a philanthropist, Becks has it all.
Going to bars isn’t working, the gym isn’t faring that much better, and that friend of a friend that your brother set you up with turned out to be the jerk that you suspected him to be in the first place. And so, you’ve put your cynicism to one side and signed up for an online dating website, but let’s be honest… you’ve got no idea what you’re doing.
Not to worry, we’ve teamed up with our friends over at IllicitEncounters.com, who have specialised in online dating for well over a decade, to bring you the Top Ten Golden Rules to online dating.
Be honest with yourself
What do you want? What do you really want? Tall, dark, handsome? Rich, successful, older? Procure a list and figure out your red lines – what are you willing to sacrifice, and what’s an absolute must-have? Now’s not the time for compromise, so set yourself some ideal, but realistic, expectations. True happiness never came from cutting corners.
Really be honest with yourself
There are few things worse in the world of online dating than meeting Adam, the 6ft 3, well-built, gym enthusiast, to find that he’s a few inchers shorter, a few pounds heavier, and his salary has one less digit in it. But hey, just because Adam’s been a bit of a jerk (sorry, Adam) doesn’t mean you should be, too. Sure, maybe you’re not totally comfortable in your own skin, but if you’re gonna start a relationship based on a lie, is there much of a point of starting one at all? Oh, and just because you want hiking once as part of a Duke of Edinburgh certificate doesn’t qualify you to classify that as a hobby.
Post a recent photo
Sure, you might have that one photo that you’re really happy with, but if it dates back to 2003, it might be best to leave it as a distant memory. Don’t be Adam.
Don’t say general things that mean absolutely nothing.
“I love music, hanging out with my friends, spending my family and listening to music.” I mean, yeah, but don’t we all? You’re not exactly standing out here. Highlight what makes you, you. Any unique interests and idiosyncrasies are more than welcome on your profile.
“I’ve been told I’m nice, I guess I’m not that good looking and I’m not the best in social situations.” Yeah, I wouldn’t go out with that guy either. This isn’t the time for self-loathing, ladies. Honesty is great, but so is confidence. You wouldn’t date a shy, overly modest and meek guy, so don’t expect someone to want to date you either.
Privacy is key
The last thing you need is a facetime from Adam (my ex was called Adam, can you tell?) at 1.30am who ‘just wants to chat’. An email is fine, but keep your cards fairly close to your chest early on. A phone number, Facebook and home address aren’t details that he needs to know. Not yet.
Make a move
If you’re sat around waiting for every man and his dog to message you, you might be waiting a while. It’s time to brush off the antiquated idea that guys’ text first. See a guy you like? He won’t know until you tell him, so tell him. You’re both adults, after all.
Talk to more than one guy at a time
There’s a saying about killing many birds with a solitary stone, and that’s certainly fine to do here. There’s no need to be exclusive just yet, so learning to juggle a few guys at a time is key. Just be sure not to mix up their names.
Take things slow
So you’ve met and the chemistry is electric, but don’t get too hasty. If he starts inviting himself round for ‘coffee’ (yeah, right) anytime soon, you need to prove early on that you can say no. Go for casual dates in public places. Meet for coffee (a real one, not the other kind), go for a meal, watch a film, and only when YOU are ready do you take things further. Patience is a virtue, so they say.
Break it off
If you come across an Adam and things aren’t going well, don’t force it. A gentle breakup early on is A LOT better than a messy disintegration of your relationship a few months down the line.
Welcome to Top Ten Thursdays! Welcome to the first ever, in fact. From now on, every Thursday, we’ll be posting a brand new list with, you guessed it, our top ten favourite things on any given topic. So, what better way to start than with the top ten sexiest songs of all time?
10. Fade Into You – Mazzy Star
“Who? What?” I know. But if you aren’t aware of Fade Into You by its title, your ears have almost certainly befallen its slow-paced rhythm at some point or another. Thanks to its melodic components, and frontwoman Hope Sandoval’s gorgeous tone, Fade Into You is filtered throughout popular culture, appearing in several hit TV shows and films like CSI: Miami and Desperate Housewives – you won’t find us complaining.
9.Honky Tonk Women – The Rolling Stones
‘I can’t get no satisfaction’ sings Mick Jagger, but we find that hard to believe. Sure, withered and decrepit he may be, but rewind to 1969, and Jagger represented youth and virility, with his poster adorning the walls of every teenage girl.
The Stones’ Honky Tonk Women was greeted by an army of screaming girls (but then again, what song of theirs wasn’t?) and it’s clear to see why. The deep scratching of Keith Richards’ guitar, coupled with Jagger’s irresistible charisma, cements Honky Tonk Women as one of the sexiest songs of all time.
8. Make It Wit Chu’ – Queens of the Stone Age
American rockers Queens of the Stone Age are well-known for their hard guitar riffs and relentless noise, but for steamy, erotic tracks? Not so much. Enter I Wanna Make It Wit Chu’. Released on the band’s 5th studio album, Era Vulgaris, Make It Wit Chu’ sees the perfect marriage of a seductive lead guitar and the dulcet tones of frontman Joshua Homme.
7.Ball and Biscuit – The White Stripes
Let’s face it, the blues isn’t really relevant anymore. Relegated underneath pop, R’n’B and hip-hop, the once popular genre is seldom heard on today’s airwaves… but Ball and Biscuit questions if that’s necessarily a good thing. You won’t struggle to find the innuendo that’s littered throughout The White Stripes’ longest song on record, but it’s the culmination of Jack White’s vocals, the erratic guitar solos and the bluesy backdrop that makes Ball and Biscuit a sex-fuelled romp.
6. Sexy Back – Justin Timberlake
I mean, this one’s fairly self-explanatory, no? We’re not sure sexy was ever really missing, but, just in case, Justin Timberlake made sure to bring it back in one piece. Thanks Justin.
5. I Want Your Sex – George Michael
An 80’s icon, a drug user, a philanthropist – George Michael is many things, but what he isn’t is subtle. You don’t need a Master’s Degree to decipher the message in his 1987 hit, I Want Your Sex – and when George Michael says he wants your sex, it’s pretty hard to say no.
4. Closer – Nine Inch Nails
This one’s a little, er, graphic. If George Michael lacked subtlety, then Nine Inch Nails entirely redefine the meaning of the word. We’ve not had the pleasure of meeting Nine Inch Nails’ frontman Trent Reznor, and following his explicit cries of wanting to violate and desecrate us, we’re sad that that’s the case.
To say that Closer is full-on would be an understatement – there’s definitely a space for it on our list, and in the bedroom, too.
3.Physical – Olivia Newton John
Everyone’s favourite high school sweetheart turned nasty with her 1981 release Physical… and everybody loved it, with the track going on to become the biggest selling single of the decade. Adored for her acting prowess and natural beauty, Newton-John changed tact entirely, with lyrics such as “there’s nothing left to talk about unless it’s horizontally.” We like it.
2. Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye
I know – surprise, surprise, right? But Sexual Healing is the musical embodiment of a timeless classic. Little did Marvin Gaye know, but his 1982 hit was to lay down the blueprint for almost every slow jam song that followed; listen to the song, and the evidence is undeniable: Sexual Healing practically oozes lust and passion.
1. I’m A Slave 4 U – Britney Spears
Desperate to get rid of her ‘girl next door’ image, Britney released I’m A Slave 4 U and, well, she more than succeeded. Her undeniably sexy vocals alone were enough to propel Slave 4 U up the charts, but it was the music video that sealed the its place in the annuls of steamy music videos. Barely clothed and dripping in sweat, Ms Spears oversaw the release of a video that still remains her sexiest and most controversial.
There you have it. Notice any glaring omissions? Have any suggestions for a future topic for Top Ten Thursday? Let us know in the comments!