Hope it’s been a good one…
Underwear. The latest fragrances. A fitness watch. Maybe even a new phone. To the naked eye, it’s an innocent list of Christmas gifts. According to our friends over at IllicitEncounters.com, it could be a telltale sign that your partner is an adulterer.
Why? Well, isn’t in obvious? A sharp new suit, a brand new smell, a new phone (for who, exactly?), the sudden desire to get fit… he’s after someone else, or maybe he’s already found her.
“We could watch Breaking Bad.”
“I was thinking more Sui-”
“Sons of Anarchy is meant to pretty good.”
“I’m in the mood for Sui-“
“Walking Dead it is.”
“GODDAMMIT WE’RE WATCHING SUITS.”
We’ve all had this conversation – it isn’t just me right? …RIGHT?! Nevertheless, couples argue over needlessly stupid things, and here are seven of the most common.
“Money, so they say, is the root of all evil today,” sing Pink Floyd, and they’re not half wrong. Find yourself earning twice as much as your partner? Do you split it evenly? Who pays for what? Good luck with that one.
6. Annoying Sleeping Habits
“You take one half, I’ll take the other.”
5. The Mother-In-Law
What’s the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture? The vulture waits ’til you’re dead before it eats your heart out. AMIRITE?! No but really, mums-in-law are terrible. Or at least they can be. It’s no secret that a particularly nasty mother-in-law can be a huge spanner in an otherwise perfectly well-oiled machine. Ignore, forgive and rise above. Terrible jokes help too.
Vent, damn you, vent. It’s good, it’s healthy but, unfortunately, it’s not always aimed at the right person. A tough day at work, financial issues and sex problems, to name but a few, often end in a heated exchange with your significant other.
3. Toilet Seat
An argument that has torn couples apart since time immemorial. Fellas, save yourselves the hassle and just leave the thing down.
2. Secrets and Lies
Ever cheated? Come clean.
Ever lied about something major? Come clean.
This is a biggie. Honesty is almost always the best policy, and you’d be best served to talk about your problems openly than wait till your partner finds out on their own accord.
Israel and Palestine. Biggie and 2Pac. Tom and Jerry. The conflict with your partner dwarfs them all. How clean do you keep your house? The interior design? Where are you going on holiday? And how about your day-to-day activities? Yes, control is, more often than not, the biggest source of arguments in a relationship. You realise that, when push comes to shove, there’s not a lot that you’re prepared to sacrifice for ‘bae’ (whatever that shit is).
I smell it too. It’s the ‘I-drank-too-much-lost-my-wallet-slept-with-my-colleague-and-now-I-can’t-get-home’ sort of smell. Negotiating the work Christmas party can be tricky. A few drinks in and the timid intern is grinding with the guy from HR who you were convinced was gay. Maybe he still is. Maybe he’s just experimenting. Who knows? Who cares? Nobody!
Aside from the dodgy karaoke, the inappropriate conversations and the copious amounts of regurgitated chicken doner and stomach lining, the work Christmas party is a shameless breeding ground of regret.
Everyone does it, so what the hell, right? The Christmas party seems to forgive all. If someone has decided to strip half-naked and brutally murder ABBA’s Dancing Queen then you will match them blow for blow so help you God. Slept with a co-worker? F*ck it, it’s the Christmas party! Threw up violently outside a Wetherspoons? Don’t worry, it’s what Jesus would want. You’ll brazen it out, I’m sure, and come the following morning, everyone will
gossip about your exploits have completely forgotten.
You might work at a startup, or a big corporation, or maybe even a school – the Christmas parties all follow a similar blueprint. Another analogue is your career, and that matters. ‘Sally the office sex pest’ isn’t a nickname that’s going to propel you up the corporate ladder.
So, here are a handful of do’s and don’ts (mainly don’ts) to prepare you for this year’s work-related festivities.
Don’t get too drunk: I love a beer – I love two beers – but I know my limits. Come beer #4, I’ll be Sally the office sex pest, gyrating helplessly on one of the directors as a dubstep remix of Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty pounds mercilessly in the background. Don’t be Sally.
Don’t act too weird: Picture the scenario. You’re lent over the water cooler with Dave. He looks you in the eye. You know. He knows. You know that he knows. Knows what exactly? An embarrassing secret that you don’t remember blurting out; a confession you made to a colleague…something uncalled for, that’s for sure. Alcohol can only excuse so much, so be sure to leave a good lasting impression, especially if you’re new.
Don’t insult your boss: Actually, scrap that – maybe don’t talk to him at all. A lighthearted jab in his/her direction is risky, asking for a pay rise or promotion is even riskier, and a full-blown monologue about how you really feel about them is suicide – you’re here for a bit of fun, you don’t want to be receiving your P45 the following morning.
Do stay professional: Like I said, a bit of fun. Celebrate the year’s successes, have a few good laughs, but don’t lose all semblance of professionalism. You might be in a different environment, but the people you’re spending time with haven’t changed.