Is that skirt too high? That top too low cut? Fellas, a word of warning, keep an eye on your girlfriend this Halloween night. Our friends at IllicitEncounters claim that 70% of their female members sneak out on Halloween to cheat on their partners.
Ok, ok, we’re slightly cheating with the numbers, but what is lacking in quantity is more than made up for in quality. Here are our top ten seven sex icons.
7. Matt Lanter
Are words needed? I don’t think words are needed.
6. Tom Hiddleston
Glamour magazine’s 3rd sexiest man of 2015 – you won’t find us arguing. That accent, that jawline, the man can even dance. As one YouTube comment put it, “I’m going to fuck this man in his face I swear to God I love him.” Beautifully said.
5. Daniel Craig
Bond films have had men with metallic teeth, rocket-equipped vehicles, and lasers, yet they’re most unrealistic portrayal of real life is with their women. Why any Bond girl has ever attempted to assassinate this is beyond us.
4. Ryan Gosling
3. Tom Hardy
Obsession, noun: “the state of being obsessed with someone or something.” With the body of a Greek god, some killer acting chops, and a love of cute dogs, we’re not sure that Tom Hardy isn’t completely perfect.
2. Chris and Liam Hemsworth
There’s something in the water at the Hemsworth househould. I mean, talk about a perfect gene pool. Chris? Liam? It’s Sophie’s choice. Quite honestly, we’d be delighted with either.
1. David Beckham
Men want to be him, and women want to be with him. Goldenballs captured the hearts and minds of every woman when he came onto the footballing scene as a young man. Like a fine wine, he’s matured into the sex icon: a footballer, a model, a businessman, a philanthropist, Becks has it all.
I remember sitting in my father’s living room circa, oh, I don’t know, 1981? 1982? I’ll say 82. Pressed firmly inside the VCR was Cinderella (I used to watch it incessantly). It evoked so many positive emotions – love, hope, happiness. The damsel overcomes fear, hierarchy and reality, to walk happily ever after alongside Prince Charming. A lovely story but, as we grow older, we realise that these fairy tales are just that – stories… unrealistic representations of what we want life to be.
So, what do you do when your relationship is less of a Cinderella story and more of a Rihanna and Chris Brown affair?
We’ve all been there. Heck, you could be there now. Your gut, your brain, your heart – they’re all conflicting and conspiring against you. The breakup of a relationship is always tough, but sometimes knowing when to pull the trigger is even tougher.
Don’t worry, The Bored Wives have you covered.
When You Know
You’re taking a peek at his laptop, browsing his phone messages when he’s not looking… you don’t trust him as far as you can throw him. Then there’s those little niggling things that have all of a sudden become a bigger issue – he’s not washing the dishes and you’re more than happy to start a war over it. It happens. Heck, spend enough time with anybody and you’ll grow to dislike them in some form or another.
Where this lack of trust came from? Maybe he spent one too many evenings out “down the pub”; maybe he’s no longer eager to spend any time with you, and those cute little signs of affection that were ever present when you first starting dating are now long gone.
But, more importantly, you can’t see a future with him anymore. Your relationship is no longer intimate, no longer romantic, and you’ve come to realise that there’s too big of a difference in your priorities and values. It might be kids, it might be marriage, but whatever it is, you can’t help but feel a certain distance that didn’t exist before. Bummer.
Dealing With It
I don’t like to be the bearer of bad news, but unfortunately there is no easy option, just a load of really crappy ones. It’s almost always awkward, difficult and uncomfortable. But, and there is a but, there are ways to get through it all whilst maintaining a degree of mental and emotional stability (I think).
First things first, be sure that this really is what you want to do. Breaking up with your partner only to have feelings of regret months later isn’t what you want. Distinguishing between a bump in the road and a bond that just won’t heal is key. Sit him down and try to talk through your issues – it might turn out that he’s just been completely oblivious the whole time (let’s be honest, men are often completely clueless at gauging your mood).
And then? Well, if my relationships have taught me anything, it’s that timing is key. Has he got a big birthday weekend coming up? Delay telling him. Has he got a holiday booked for next week? Delay. Delay, delay, delay. You’re gonna hurt him already, no point having him hate you completely, right? There’s no need to be the bad guy here.
Instead, deal with it as amicably as possible. Wait for the right moment and, for the love of God, don’t send him a text, email or Facebook message… do it in person. If you’ve got kids, all of the above becomes even more paramount – you’re trying to end a relationship, not destroy a family.
Afterwards? Take a break, go out, meet with friends. It’s ok to lean on others during times of emotional weakness.
Ice cream, Netflix and Magic Mike? See, it gets better.
Going to bars isn’t working, the gym isn’t faring that much better, and that friend of a friend that your brother set you up with turned out to be the jerk that you suspected him to be in the first place. And so, you’ve put your cynicism to one side and signed up for an online dating website, but let’s be honest… you’ve got no idea what you’re doing.
Not to worry, we’ve teamed up with our friends over at IllicitEncounters.com, who have specialised in online dating for well over a decade, to bring you the Top Ten Golden Rules to online dating.
Be honest with yourself
What do you want? What do you really want? Tall, dark, handsome? Rich, successful, older? Procure a list and figure out your red lines – what are you willing to sacrifice, and what’s an absolute must-have? Now’s not the time for compromise, so set yourself some ideal, but realistic, expectations. True happiness never came from cutting corners.
Really be honest with yourself
There are few things worse in the world of online dating than meeting Adam, the 6ft 3, well-built, gym enthusiast, to find that he’s a few inchers shorter, a few pounds heavier, and his salary has one less digit in it. But hey, just because Adam’s been a bit of a jerk (sorry, Adam) doesn’t mean you should be, too. Sure, maybe you’re not totally comfortable in your own skin, but if you’re gonna start a relationship based on a lie, is there much of a point of starting one at all? Oh, and just because you want hiking once as part of a Duke of Edinburgh certificate doesn’t qualify you to classify that as a hobby.
Post a recent photo
Sure, you might have that one photo that you’re really happy with, but if it dates back to 2003, it might be best to leave it as a distant memory. Don’t be Adam.
Don’t say general things that mean absolutely nothing.
“I love music, hanging out with my friends, spending my family and listening to music.” I mean, yeah, but don’t we all? You’re not exactly standing out here. Highlight what makes you, you. Any unique interests and idiosyncrasies are more than welcome on your profile.
“I’ve been told I’m nice, I guess I’m not that good looking and I’m not the best in social situations.” Yeah, I wouldn’t go out with that guy either. This isn’t the time for self-loathing, ladies. Honesty is great, but so is confidence. You wouldn’t date a shy, overly modest and meek guy, so don’t expect someone to want to date you either.
Privacy is key
The last thing you need is a facetime from Adam (my ex was called Adam, can you tell?) at 1.30am who ‘just wants to chat’. An email is fine, but keep your cards fairly close to your chest early on. A phone number, Facebook and home address aren’t details that he needs to know. Not yet.
Make a move
If you’re sat around waiting for every man and his dog to message you, you might be waiting a while. It’s time to brush off the antiquated idea that guys’ text first. See a guy you like? He won’t know until you tell him, so tell him. You’re both adults, after all.
Talk to more than one guy at a time
There’s a saying about killing many birds with a solitary stone, and that’s certainly fine to do here. There’s no need to be exclusive just yet, so learning to juggle a few guys at a time is key. Just be sure not to mix up their names.
Take things slow
So you’ve met and the chemistry is electric, but don’t get too hasty. If he starts inviting himself round for ‘coffee’ (yeah, right) anytime soon, you need to prove early on that you can say no. Go for casual dates in public places. Meet for coffee (a real one, not the other kind), go for a meal, watch a film, and only when YOU are ready do you take things further. Patience is a virtue, so they say.
Break it off
If you come across an Adam and things aren’t going well, don’t force it. A gentle breakup early on is A LOT better than a messy disintegration of your relationship a few months down the line.
Welcome to Top Ten Thursdays! Welcome to the first ever, in fact. From now on, every Thursday, we’ll be posting a brand new list with, you guessed it, our top ten favourite things on any given topic. So, what better way to start than with the top ten sexiest songs of all time?
10. Fade Into You – Mazzy Star
“Who? What?” I know. But if you aren’t aware of Fade Into You by its title, your ears have almost certainly befallen its slow-paced rhythm at some point or another. Thanks to its melodic components, and frontwoman Hope Sandoval’s gorgeous tone, Fade Into You is filtered throughout popular culture, appearing in several hit TV shows and films like CSI: Miami and Desperate Housewives – you won’t find us complaining.
9.Honky Tonk Women – The Rolling Stones
‘I can’t get no satisfaction’ sings Mick Jagger, but we find that hard to believe. Sure, withered and decrepit he may be, but rewind to 1969, and Jagger represented youth and virility, with his poster adorning the walls of every teenage girl.
The Stones’ Honky Tonk Women was greeted by an army of screaming girls (but then again, what song of theirs wasn’t?) and it’s clear to see why. The deep scratching of Keith Richards’ guitar, coupled with Jagger’s irresistible charisma, cements Honky Tonk Women as one of the sexiest songs of all time.
8. Make It Wit Chu’ – Queens of the Stone Age
American rockers Queens of the Stone Age are well-known for their hard guitar riffs and relentless noise, but for steamy, erotic tracks? Not so much. Enter I Wanna Make It Wit Chu’. Released on the band’s 5th studio album, Era Vulgaris, Make It Wit Chu’ sees the perfect marriage of a seductive lead guitar and the dulcet tones of frontman Joshua Homme.
7.Ball and Biscuit – The White Stripes
Let’s face it, the blues isn’t really relevant anymore. Relegated underneath pop, R’n’B and hip-hop, the once popular genre is seldom heard on today’s airwaves… but Ball and Biscuit questions if that’s necessarily a good thing. You won’t struggle to find the innuendo that’s littered throughout The White Stripes’ longest song on record, but it’s the culmination of Jack White’s vocals, the erratic guitar solos and the bluesy backdrop that makes Ball and Biscuit a sex-fuelled romp.
6. Sexy Back – Justin Timberlake
I mean, this one’s fairly self-explanatory, no? We’re not sure sexy was ever really missing, but, just in case, Justin Timberlake made sure to bring it back in one piece. Thanks Justin.
5. I Want Your Sex – George Michael
An 80’s icon, a drug user, a philanthropist – George Michael is many things, but what he isn’t is subtle. You don’t need a Master’s Degree to decipher the message in his 1987 hit, I Want Your Sex – and when George Michael says he wants your sex, it’s pretty hard to say no.
4. Closer – Nine Inch Nails
This one’s a little, er, graphic. If George Michael lacked subtlety, then Nine Inch Nails entirely redefine the meaning of the word. We’ve not had the pleasure of meeting Nine Inch Nails’ frontman Trent Reznor, and following his explicit cries of wanting to violate and desecrate us, we’re sad that that’s the case.
To say that Closer is full-on would be an understatement – there’s definitely a space for it on our list, and in the bedroom, too.
3.Physical – Olivia Newton John
Everyone’s favourite high school sweetheart turned nasty with her 1981 release Physical… and everybody loved it, with the track going on to become the biggest selling single of the decade. Adored for her acting prowess and natural beauty, Newton-John changed tact entirely, with lyrics such as “there’s nothing left to talk about unless it’s horizontally.” We like it.
2. Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye
I know – surprise, surprise, right? But Sexual Healing is the musical embodiment of a timeless classic. Little did Marvin Gaye know, but his 1982 hit was to lay down the blueprint for almost every slow jam song that followed; listen to the song, and the evidence is undeniable: Sexual Healing practically oozes lust and passion.
1. I’m A Slave 4 U – Britney Spears
Desperate to get rid of her ‘girl next door’ image, Britney released I’m A Slave 4 U and, well, she more than succeeded. Her undeniably sexy vocals alone were enough to propel Slave 4 U up the charts, but it was the music video that sealed the its place in the annuls of steamy music videos. Barely clothed and dripping in sweat, Ms Spears oversaw the release of a video that still remains her sexiest and most controversial.
There you have it. Notice any glaring omissions? Have any suggestions for a future topic for Top Ten Thursday? Let us know in the comments!